You’re Not Unhappy. You’re Just Muted.
I want you to think about the volume knob on your life for just a second.
Not the version people see.
Not the version you perform.
The real one.
How loud are you actually living right now?
Because here’s the thing I realized recently, and I know a lot of women will recognize this.
A lot of us aren’t unhappy.
We’re just muted.
And the hardest part is that most of the time, we do not even realize it is happening.
How Women Slowly Turn the Volume Down
Most of us do not wake up one day and decide to shrink.
It happens quietly.
Gradually.
And honestly, sometimes responsibly.
It looks like saying “it’s fine” when it is not.
Laughing things off to keep the peace.
Being the reliable one.
The capable one.
The one who figures it out.
“I got it.”
“Don’t worry about it.”
“I’ll handle it.”
It looks like having opinions but keeping them to yourself.
Dressing your body to hide it instead of living in it.
Pushing through exhaustion because stopping feels unsafe.
Being so busy managing life that you forget you are allowed to enjoy it.
None of this happens because we are weak.
It happens because we are competent.
But somewhere along the way, survival starts to look like satisfaction.
And that is where midlife comes in.
Why Midlife Feels Like a Wake Up Call
People love to talk about midlife like it is this awful thing.
Like it is a crisis.
Like turning 40 means everything is over.
But midlife does not create this feeling.
It reveals it.
Hormones start shifting.
Sleep changes.
Anxiety can increase.
Motivation feels different or sometimes nonexistent.
Your nervous system has less tolerance for nonsense.
Beyond biology, the roles you play start to change.
Kids need you differently.
Parents may need you more.
Work demands more.
Your body asks for more care.
This is not when you are 22 and can eat whatever you want and ignore the consequences.
Suddenly there is this quiet, persistent question you cannot ignore anymore.
Is this it?
That question is not a breakdown.
It is not giving up.
It is not failure.
It is awareness.
What Living on Low Volume Actually Feels Like
For me, it was not one dramatic moment.
It was a series of small moments that added up.
Things looked fine on the outside.
I was showing up.
I was handling it.
I was doing all the right things.
But internally, I felt like I was living at about half volume. Sometimes less.
I was present in everyone else’s life, but not fully present in my own.
And once you notice that feeling, you cannot unnotice it.
It is like being on a hamster wheel of doing everything for everyone else all the time.
You do not realize how fast you are running until you stop.
The First Step: Find Where You Are Muted
If you want to turn the volume up, you have to know where it has been turned down.
Here is the first thing I want you to do. I call this the Volume Map.
Grab your notes app, a piece of paper, or even record a voice memo.
Write down these five areas:
Health and body
Work and money
Relationships
Time and energy
Fun and creativity
Now rate each one from 1 to 10 based on how it feels, not how it looks.
How it feels inside your body and your life.
Do not overthink it.
Your first answer is usually the honest one.
Once you have rated them, circle the lowest two.
Those are your muted zones.
This matters because overwhelm happens when we try to fix everything at once.
Clarity happens when we start in the right place.
The Three Most Common Muting Patterns
Next, we look at how you got muted, because the pattern tells you the solution.
There are three patterns I see over and over again.
The Peacekeeper
You avoid conflict.
You smooth things over.
You apologize first, even when it is not your fault.
You pay for peace with your voice.
The Performer
You are productive, capable, and reliable.
Your worth gets tied to output.
Rest feels uncomfortable.
The Disappearing Act
Everyone else’s needs come first.
What they want for dinner, what they want to watch, what they want to buy.
You are so used to being needed that you no longer know what you want.
Most of us are a mix, but one usually stands out.
This is not a label.
It is just your map.
Turning the Volume Up Does Not Require Chaos
Here is where people get it wrong.
They think turning the volume up has to be dramatic.
A big announcement.
A full reinvention.
But the last thing we need in midlife is more chaos.
What we need is honesty.
This week, I want you to pick one small action.
I call it a Volume Up Move.
One action is enough.
If Your Health or Body Is Muted
Add one strength workout or intentional walk
Eat protein at breakfast three times this week
Go to bed 30 minutes earlier twice
Schedule one appointment you have been avoiding
If Work or Money Is Muted
Write this sentence: “What I want is ______.”
Ask one clarifying question you have been avoiding
Update your resume or LinkedIn to reflect your real value
If Relationships Are Muted
Practice one boundary line: “That doesn’t work for me.”
Remember that no is a complete sentence
Say one honest thing instead of swallowing it
If Time or Energy Is Muted
Put one non negotiable on your calendar just for you
Say no to one guilt based commitment
If Fun or Creativity Is Muted
Fun is not reserved for children.
You are allowed to have fun.
You are allowed to create.
Make a playlist for the woman you are becoming.
Do something pointless that makes you laugh.
Go somewhere alone.
Sit with yourself without apologizing for it.
That one action teaches your brain that you are not just thinking about change.
You are practicing it.
The Part No One Warns You About: Guilt
When you turn the volume up, guilt shows up.
Not because you are doing something wrong.
Because you are breaking a pattern.
When that guilt hits, say this:
“Of course this feels uncomfortable. I am changing the system.”
Here is the truth that matters most:
People who benefited from you being muted may not love the new version of you at first.
That does not mean you are wrong.
It means the volume is adjusting.
Taking care of yourself is not selfish, no matter how many times women have been told that it is.
Why This Post Needed a Soundtrack
This is why Dog Days Are Over is the anchor song for this episode.
It is not quiet.
It is not polite.
It is the moment when your body and your brain finally agree that you are done living on low.
When this song plays, decide your one Volume Up Move for the week.
Just one.
What Comes Next
Once you start turning the volume up, something interesting happens.
You start noticing how often your life has been shaped by expectations instead of desire.
Which leads to the question that changes everything:
What do you actually want?
That is where we are going next.
Midlife is not something to get through.
It is something to step into.
And this chapter can be a damn good one.
