What Do You Actually Want?
At some point in midlife, a quiet question starts tapping you on the shoulder.
Not loudly.
Not dramatically.
Just enough that you can’t ignore it anymore.
What do you actually want?
Not what you should want.
Not what makes sense on paper.
Not what keeps everyone else comfortable.
What you want.
And if your first reaction to that question is discomfort, or a blank stare, you’re not alone.
When Nothing Is “Wrong”… But Something Feels Off
One of the strangest parts of midlife is that, on the surface, things might look fine.
You’ve done the things.
You’ve shown up.
You’ve built a life.
You’ve learned how to adapt.
And yet, something feels off.
Not because your life is bad.
But because you’ve changed.
Midlife isn’t a crisis.
It’s an edit.
It’s the moment you pause long enough to hear yourself think and realize that the version of you who made all those earlier decisions… isn’t the same person anymore.
Gratitude and Desire Can Exist Together
This is where so many women get stuck.
We tell ourselves:
“I should be grateful.”
“I shouldn’t want more.”
“Other people have it worse.”
And yes…gratitude matters.
But gratitude and desire are not opposites.
You can love your life and still want more from it.
You can be thankful and still feel restless.
You can be proud of what you’ve built and still want to build something different next.
Desire isn’t a failure.
It’s information.
Why Wanting Feels So Complicated for Women
Most of us were never taught to ask ourselves what we want.
We were taught to:
be accommodating
be responsible
be helpful
be agreeable
Wanting too much was labeled selfish.
Wanting differently was labeled ungrateful.
Wanting change was labeled dramatic.
So instead, we learned how to adapt.
And adaptation works…until it doesn’t.
Midlife is often the moment that strategy stops working.
Want vs. “Should”
Here’s something worth noticing.
A lot of what we call wanting is actually just conditioning.
“I should want to slow down.”
“I should want to be content.”
“I should want less.”
But real wanting doesn’t sound like that.
Real wanting often starts with discomfort:
I don’t want to feel this tired anymore.
I don’t want to keep saying yes to everything.
I don’t want to live on autopilot.
That counts.
Sometimes the first honest answer isn’t what you want, it’s what you’re done tolerating.
Asking for What You Want Is the Hardest Part
Even when you start to feel what you want, asking for it is a whole different thing.
Because asking feels risky.
We’re afraid of:
being dismissed
being told we’re asking for too much
creating discomfort
hearing “no”
So we hint.
We minimize.
We over-explain.
We stay quiet to keep the peace.
And resentment builds.
Here’s the truth:
If you don’t ask for what you want, people will keep giving you what you’ve always accepted.
Not because they’re cruel.
But because they don’t know any different.
Asking Is Not Demanding
This is a reframe worth sitting with.
Asking for what you want is not:
issuing ultimatums
having everything figured out
needing guarantees
Asking is simply sharing information.
It sounds like:
“I’m realizing I need something different.”
“I’m trying to be honest about what’s working for me and what’s not.”
“I don’t have all the answers yet, but I know this matters.”
You don’t need confidence first.
You build confidence by practicing honesty.
How to Start Asking (Without Over-Explaining)
Start small.
Before you say anything out loud, get honest with yourself:
What do I need more of?
What do I need less of?
What feels heavy that didn’t used to?
Then practice with low-risk asks:
time
space
boundaries
support
And here’s the hardest part for many women:
You don’t need to justify your needs into nothing.
You’re not asking permission to exist.
You’re communicating.
The Song That Captures This Feeling
The song for this episode is Fast Car, and if you know it, you know why it fits so perfectly.
It’s not just about escape.
It’s about hope.
It’s about imagining something different, even when you don’t know exactly what that looks like yet.
“I had a feeling that I belonged.”
Sometimes midlife wanting isn’t about leaving.
It’s about finally belonging to yourself.
If You’re Not Sure What You Want Yet
That’s okay.
Sometimes clarity comes after curiosity.
That’s why I created a short companion quiz for this episode called “What Do You Actually Want Right Now?” It helps you name what you’re craving in this season - space, strength, expression, or stability -and includes a simple one-page guide on how to ask for what you want without apologizing.
You don’t have to have the whole answer.
You just have to start listening.
What Comes Next
Asking the question is only the beginning.
Next week, we’re talking about what happens after you ask:
What if you go after what you want?
What if you don’t get it?
What if things change, or what if they don’t?
Because midlife isn’t about blowing everything up.
It’s about moving forward without shrinking yourself.
If all you know right now is what you don’t want anymore, that’s still an answer.
And it’s a powerful place to start.
