When Clarity Comes… and You Still Feel Stuck
Last week on The Midlife Edit, we talked about clarity…asking yourself what you actually want and being brave enough to hear the answer. And if you listened, you know there’s a quiz that goes along with that episode. Not because it gives you the answer, but because it shows you where you are right now.
This episode and this post is about what comes after clarity.
Because once you know what you want, there’s often this pause.
And that pause? It’s uncomfortable.
Inside it lives second-guessing. Fear. A quiet now what?
We assume that once we have clarity, confidence or motivation should immediately follow. And when it doesn’t, we think something must be wrong with us.
Nothing is wrong.
We’re just standing at the edge of change.
The Pause Isn’t Failure…It’s the Edge of Something New
I was recently in Nashville for a small leadership summit, only about ten of us. It was intimate, honest, and unexpectedly eye-opening. One word kept coming up over and over again: intentionality.
Not how we show up when things feel exciting or aligned, that part is easy.
But how we show up on the mundane days. The ordinary ones.
Think about how easy it is to wake up the morning of a vacation. You’re excited. Energized. Ready to go.
Now compare that to a regular Tuesday.
That contrast matters.
Someone asked a question during that meeting that stuck with me:
Are you living in victimhood or victory?
My initial reaction was “victory, obviously.” I talk about growth, resilience, everything I’ve survived.
But the more I sat with it, the more uncomfortable the truth became.
I talk about my life in the past tense.
What I’ve done.
What I’ve handled.
What I’ve survived.
Almost as if all of that should automatically guarantee something now.
That’s not victimhood, but it’s not quite victory either.
The Past Can Explain You, It Just Can’t Lead You
Right before that trip, I had a conversation about my role at work. I kept explaining everything I’d done since day one. And the person I was talking to stopped me and said:
“I don’t want to hear what your job description was.
I want to hear what you’re going to do.”
That hit me. Not just professionally, but personally.
The past explains us.
It just doesn’t get to lead anymore.
Midlife is the moment we stop negotiating our future using outdated versions of ourselves. We don’t move forward because of what we did. We move forward because of how we’re showing up now.
That’s intentionality.
What I’m Practicing When I Get Stuck in the Pause
I’m not doing this perfectly - at all. But here’s what I’m working on.
1. Catching myself explaining instead of choosing
Anytime I hear myself say “because of my past” or “after everything I’ve done,” I pause. Not to judge, just to notice.
Then I ask one simple question:
What does showing up look like today?
Not forever. Not perfectly. Just today.
2. Stop waiting for confidence. Practice presence instead.
Confidence doesn’t come before action. It comes from participation.
Instead of asking “Am I ready?” I’m asking, “Am I present?”
3. Checking how I show up for myself
If I gave my body, my energy, my self-talk, and my habits to the person I love most for one day… would I be okay with how I treat myself?
That question doesn’t shame me, it gives me information.
4. Talking it out instead of spiraling alone
Healing doesn’t always happen in isolation.
In the absence of communication, there’s hallucination, especially with ourselves.
Sometimes the bravest thing you can say is:
I’m stuck. Can you help me see this differently?
When You Get What You Want… and When You Don’t
Here’s the truth we don’t talk about enough:
Both can mess with you.
When we get what we want, we often:
move the goalpost
downplay it
or attach our worth to repeating it
And when we don’t get what we want, we start rewriting our worth based on outcomes:
Maybe I waited too long
Maybe I missed my window
Maybe this just isn’t for me
That’s not clarity talking.
That’s fear trying to protect us from disappointment.
Here’s the reframe I’m practicing (and coming back to daily):
An outcome is information. It is not an identity.
What happens to you is not who you are.
Letting the Good Land. Letting the Hard Teach.
Midlife isn’t about proving the past mattered…it already did.
It’s about choosing how we show up now, regardless of how things turn out.
Whether you get what you want or you don’t, the practice stays the same:
Stay present
Don’t use outcomes as proof of worth
Let good things land
Let disappointment teach without defining you
The Song of the Episode: Rearview Mirror by Pearl Jam
This episode’s song is Rearview Mirror because the past may have shaped us, but it doesn’t get to drive anymore.
The rearview mirror is smaller than the windshield for a reason.
That song also happens to be part of the first music conversation I ever had with the man I’m married to now so it’ll always be close to my heart.
If You’re in the Pause…
You’re not behind.
You’re practicing.
And sometimes, that’s exactly what moving forward looks like.
